remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
