The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i think my cat just said my name.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
