Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
