saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
cat food counts as protein by the way
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
