I wish I could punch you in the face.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
