why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
