do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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