Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
