sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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