my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I met the friendliest cop last night
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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