Quick, to the slutcave!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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