Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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