Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
