I hate your face
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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