Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
