Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
