Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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