I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
