The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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