No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
