I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
