dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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