Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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