dude i'm inner monologue high
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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