2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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