I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need a beard to bite.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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