So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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