I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
