fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
