the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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