This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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