I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
