We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
