I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
