I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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