there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
