No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well I just put wine in my tea
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
