Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
