Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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