I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
