I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
