Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
