I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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