I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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