When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
