Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
