I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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