If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
