Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
worst night to have a conscience
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
