What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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