I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
